#i JUST HAD TO MAKE IT EVEN OK
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alongside someone like you
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk 266#jjk leaks#i feel like i say this after every piece at this point but iam once again. SO TIRED#collapses dead#cries i did it again i ws up all last night finishing the first 1.....tht one took *counts* 8 hours...#got 3 hrs sleep n picked up where i left off on th second one at 8 in the morning#2nd one absolutely ruined me n made the third one feel like a herculean task . even tho its literally just them on a bed#rooms....KITCHENS......beloathed!!!! public enemy no1 kill on sight!!!!!!#hell is real and they make u render different rooms of houses from scratch no perspective tool no clue what ur doing#n they see how long it takes u to completely lose it#clipped yuujis bangs back tho n i thought tht was cute . silver linings#1ST ONE WAS SO FUN ALSO idk if its bc outdoor environments r forgiving or bc i had more energy n was fresh faced n hopeful or what#but it is by far my favourite. once again pulled out nearly every nature brush in my arsenal#third one meh simple safe soft w/e i was just so exhausted after th kitchen tht working on it was such a slog#oh ya i added a bunch of scars 2 yuuji's arms n lobbed off his ring finger sighs the yuuji injury list (tm) grows every minute#also HINA USE YELLOW CHALLENGE CLEAR golden hour in2 sunset my beloved <333 easy warm light + safe homey Peaceful vibes...bless#cries eternally thinking abt them let us have this let THEM have this pls thank u#ok i need to not look at these anymore take them enjoy my contribution 2 the domestic itfs pile
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we need to destroy the idea that girls should wear makeup. normalize bare faces on prom queens and flower girls and cheerleaders. no products at all instead of '7 product simple makeup routine.' no more 10 step skincare and regular facials and dermablading and gua sha just to be comfortable with yr natural face. i want to see eye bags on the funny librarian and acne on the swim coach and wrinkles on all our adult role models. i want to see a 16 year old girl that has never tried putting on eyeshadow. i want to see a 7 year old girl who doesn't have to go out and buy powder for her dance recital. i want to see trans women and girls everywhere to never have to wear makeup, regardless of how well they 'pass.' no more 'contouring to look masc' either. a post-beauty industry world is possible
reblogs are on but if you bring up the stage makeup point that i have addressed three times yr blocked on sight ☹️
#this is me warding myself against the b arbie m ovie shitstorm. </3#too many teenage girls have had 'bimbo feminist' thrust upon them by the attention economy + consumer-feminist culture#its ok to just be fucking lame. like you can still be fem/me and stuff while doing it#there is a world where you can feel comfortable in yrself even if you arent Aesthetic#the makeup industry is trying to hinder this tho#plus i saw that post thats like. 'the reason we see a lot of casual pseudo-gender-essentialist and choice feminism rhetoric...#... is because we have fewer posts now that have basic feminist messages'#that resonated so i am the change i want to see in the world#i wanna try and make a r iot g rrrl masterpost for anyone getting into that side of things later so lmk if you want to see it
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heres more of that stupid au
#zuko^3#man zuko in the promise had it ROUGH#its ok zuko#i still love u even if ur ugly#everybody hates on the comics#(me too)#but also#post comics zuko makes me sooo#or even just the search zuko..#hes so much more happier. and kinder#and more open and affectionate#like my boy .. how youve grown...#i crode#anyways save 28 y/o zuko hes sick of babysitting#him when another teenager version of himself pulls up#“NOT AGAIN”
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Doing master studies the only way I know how: Stealing them and making them my guys.
(Barberini Faun)
(The Fallen Angel - Alexandre Cabanel)
(Covent Garden - William Bruce Ellis Rankin)
#obviously. not actually theft...#i was gonna say these are public domain but covent garden actually isnt yet#it will be. in two years.#thats the most different one though like i added a whole new guy..#maybe not the most different. barberini faun is pretty different i just took the post#pose#its barely even a study. thats not true#but. what was i saying.#oh its not theft it's study... the purpose is to learn!!! but also. if im gonna spend like 2 days on something...#its GONNA be my guys#otherwise. idk. i only want to spend 30 or so minutes per study#just to get the notes down and the practice for the skill im working on#i dont get all that much more out of completely rendering a master study. PERSONALLY.#at least definitely not enough to be worth taking 100x longer#but making them my characters makes it worth going all the way!!!#plus it's good practice w like. not just going 1:1 but actually genuinely interpreting whats there so i can manipulate it...#again. personally. this is just how i worm#WORK#youd better worm bitch#uhm... anyways yeah. ive done lots of study but why TF share it LMAO i dont even save it#its just to learn. ive got 1 million other drawings to save and look at later.#once the learning is done it's done its job and i have no need anymore#this is why the only studies i have are from school. i had to save and upload them#well. ok also i dont study as much now BUT in my defense im a full time artist#an hour or so a week is different ok im learning while working too.. i learned how to learn and i do it all the time now#master studies#digital art#my art#illustration#my ocs
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Horrific psychological abuse and lynching plot aside, Armand was just not a nice partner to Louis. Always interrupting him, extremely dismissive of Louis’s concerns, super mean about his photography to the point where Louis became extremely insecure about in the span of 2 episodes, super insistent on a serious relationship when that's not what Louis wanted or something that was even feasible for the two of them since Armand slept on the floor with 16 racist roommates who hated Louis bad, mean as hell to his daughter, always made things about himself, stopped Louis from going to Rogets and gwtting his husbands money but had no money of his own, made shitty plays and made louis go see them, like the list is endless.
#iwtv louis#interview with the vampire#iwtv#amc iwtv#louis de pointe du lac#iwtv 2022#ldpdl#armand iwtv#the vampire armand#and this is not to hype up loustat they have their own problems im just confronted with how bad armand is#like omg hes literally the worst bf#broke controlling and a bitch ass nigga like omg pick a struggle tyler perry#just a loser ong#and everything has to be about him i dont even think he thinks Louis’s a person#louis is like an accessory to him. a way to enrich himself but he doesnt actually care about louis if he did hed back the fuck up#assad said something similar at sdcc where he was like armands only focus was armand and he views louis as a way to enrich himself#not as a person. armand makes everything in the relationship about him bc hes ext. self centered and doesnt like negros#which is why he doesnt see louis as a person and hes ok with lynching him#at least lestat met his parents before trying to marry him all armand had was i havent turned you into the police you should move in with me#a man who cant stay the night because he. a 450+ year old man. has a curfew and his 16 roommates will get mad if hes late
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who up sqlointing they peter rn
apotheosis 12 spoilers below cut
literally finished drawing this right when he died like what the hell dude 😭 im literally so afraid to start the finale tho dude 13 pt2 alr made me cry 😭
#peter sqloint my shining star#he means the world to me actually#jrwi peter#peter sqloint#jrwi exandroth#ur telling me ive been spelling it xandroth this whole time. What the fuck#xandroth is so much cooler#im making my own tag.#jrwi xandroth#that feels right#all this work just to question whether this even counts as Xandroth fanart. who gaf hashtag xandroth jrwi#jrwi apotheosis#just roll with it apotheosis#jrwi fanart#jrwishow#jrwi show#jrwi podcast#jrwi#just roll with it fanart#just roll with it#fanart#digital art#digitalart#doodle#art#my art#i literallt had to redo all my tags and reenact my bullshit which made it feel. Significantly less funny than when it was genuine#but thats ok. tumblr just hates me
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asking and receiving (bonus below readmore)
[ID: A black and white, digital Trigun comic of Vash and Wolfwood. In the first panel is a close up of Wolfwood's mouth as he says, "Vash". Accompanying it is a close up shot of Vash's eye, widen and cheeks flushed. Wolfwood presses a knee against the open space between Vash's legs and says, "Tell me everything you want from me." Wolfwood's face is equally as flushed. He continues to say, "I'll give it to you. Everything." As he talks, a wide shot shows the both of them in white space. Vash is sitting, leaning a little back with both hands pressed against the surface he's sitting on. Wolfwood is in his white dress shirt, stripped of the blazer. He's still leaning in with one knee in between Vash's spread legs, his right hand touching Vash's lips and his left hand behind his back.
The shot closes in on Vash's mouth and Wolfwood's hand against it, pressing down on the lower lip as he says, "You have to ask though. Go on." His hand moves down to Vash's chin, gently holding it. With a shy and uncertain expression, Vash hesitantly asks, "Um... K... Kiss... Please?" Wolfwood, without wasting a second, leans in and kisses him and indulges by pressing deeper, eliciting a small noise of surprise from Vash.
Wolfwood moves away from Vash first and with a smile, asks, "What else?" Vash tugs on Wolfwood's left sleeve, wordlessly budging Wolfwood to give him his hand that was still behind his back. In the next panel, Vash utters, "Hold me..?" He's holding Wolfwood's left hand with his own while his right hand is reaching for his waist. Wolfwood complies, moving his left hand to Vash's shoulder and his right hand continues to touch Vash's cheek. Wolfwood asks again, "What else?"
More comfortable now, Vash leans in to kiss Wolfwood. Wolfwood catches him immediately, pressing his thumb against Vash's lips to stop him before demanding, "Hey. Ask." Vash looks back in surprise and Wolfwood meets his eye with a quiet, insistent look. They're quiet for a moment before Vash leans in again and curtly requests, "Kiss. Me." Wolfwood says "Good", smiling as he lifts his hand away, and meets Vash's lips. In the next shot, Wolfwood had adjusted his position, sitting on Vash's thigh. The hand that was once on Vash's cheek has moved its way to Vash's nape, pushing away the collar of his jacket with his pinky. His other hand continues to grip on Vash's shoulder. Still kissing, Wolfwood asks again, "What else?"
In the next shot, Vash is starting to turn, moving Wolfwood with him. Vash asks, "Let me on top of you?" Wolfwood says, "Mhm" before asking again, "What else?" The next panel shows a close look of Vash's face. He's looking down, flushed and shy just as he had been at the beginning, but now, more decisive. Vash asks, "Wolfwood... Let me have you..?" A panel of Wolfwood taking Vash's hand into his, pulling it towards his chest. The next panel shows Wolfwood lying down where Vash had laid him. Vash's hand is on Wolfwood's chest, covering the cross of his rosary while Wolfwood's hand lingers against his, loosely pressing Vash's hand in place. He looks up at Vash with a shy smile of his own, flushed cheeks. He says, "All yours."
A panel shows a close up of Vash's tender gaze before he leans down to be closer to Wolfwood. The final shot is a front view of their positions, Vash's face turned away from the viewer; Vash is leaning over Wolfwood who's lying down with his right leg draped over Vash's legs. Wolfwood's left hand holds onto Vash's left arm. With finality, Vash says, "...Mine." End ID]
[ID: A follow up bonus comic in a looser, sketchier style. They're laying comfortably in bed when Vash asks, "What was that earlier?" referecing to the start of the previous comic. Wolfwood glances away and says, "To get you used to it. Asking. And getting what you ask for. Since you're alwasy hesitant about it." Vash's eyes widen, tight lipped. Wolfwood continues, "Knowing you, it'll be a tough habit to break..." When he says this, Vash can't help but laugh, unable to deny it. Wolfwood slowly brings a hand to Vash's cheek and continues to say, "So I'll keep trying -- whatever ways I can... to get it through your thick skull." Vash takes Wolfwood's hand with his, kissing the the palm gently. Wolfwood's eyes soften and holding onto Vash's cheek, he leans in to try for a kiss. Vash says, "Hey..." before stopping Wolfwood's lips with the back of his hand, a smug look on his face, "Ask." Wolfwood's embarrassed and with little irritation, asks, "Really?" Vash smiles, saying, "You're in need of practice too." They pause for a moment, Wolfwood looking contemplatively, before he's leaning in again, asking, "May I please kiss you?" Vash looks him in the eyes and says, "Yes." The comic ends with a "chu", indicating an off-panel kiss. End ID]
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#it took me so long to post this even after getting clarification about the maturity warning and stuff#bc i am so shy about it. SDGMKDSGMKSD I LIKE THIS COMIC BUT IM ALSO SO LIKE... AUGHHHH....#when i posted this on twitter though it was like... a few days after ep 11? ive always had the thought circling about vash deserving of#asking for things... and getting what he wants bc he never gets both. doesn't get the opportunity to ask and hardly does he get what he want#maybe the results can go in his favor but at some point along the way he'll still lose something bc nothing can ever go perfectly for him...#and he's usually the one begging and pleading with people to not. do something. it's not even asking at that point it's just straight up#please believe me. please trust me. please don't shoot that person. please don't kill anyone. please don't do it.#and wolfwood.... it was not always this lovey dovey ok. he wouldv noticed this habit miles away and they got into a fight about it the first#time they talked about it bc wolfwood is being hypocritical too. as he always is!!!! but i think as they get more intimate#wolfwood finds ways to make vash understand. smth smth insatiable want and love and desire for wolfwood that makes it much easier to ask.#wolfwood can also just be so compliant. sometimes. which is also an issue in of itself that id love to explore at some point#but he also just enjoys giving into vash fully and completely.#bc he loves him a lot. but anyway#i hope the id is comprehendible.... please lmk if there's something wrong with how im doing it asfdgkdsmgs#ruporas art
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horrific doodle page <3
#i posted this to the wrong blog#prime example of why ive never had a sideblog XD#id rather just make a whole new account#its ok no one saw that only like 2 of my followers are even active#fnaf daycare attendant#daycare attendant#fnaf#fnaf sb#dca#dca fandom#fnaf sun#fnaf moon#fnaf sundrop#fnaf moondrop#sun dca#moon dca#plubalooba.art
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really an inexplicable train of thought but i feel like taako is the kind of person who in a modren era au would just decide to go to a shooting range and learn how to shoot a pistol for funsies, but would consider learning to spin the pistol all cool like they do in cowboy movies to be his first and foremost priority. like hes already bought a holster and the moment he is given a gun he immediately starts trying to twirl it. the instructor has to tell him to stop or theyll take the gun away from him. he keeps trying to lead the conversation back to it anyway because he really feels like theyre putting the cart before the horse here if hes learning how to shoot the gun before even knowing how to dramatically reholster it if he were to get in some sort of cowboy duel. hes actually really good at the shooting part but he gets kicked out of the class after his eighth guntwirling attempt in which he accidentally flicks the safety off mid twirl and shoots one of their light fixtures
#taz balance#taz taako#i dont know shit abt guns so i had to google a bunch of stuff to see if this even made sense#'surely they would have taken the gun away from him before attempt number 8' ok see heres how im imagining the timeline#moment he is given the gun he gets in two twirl attempts right off the bat before the instructor manages to stop him#attempts number 3-5 are done in a 6 second window in which the instructor makes the mistake of turning around and not looking at him#he is then told he needs to take this seriously and they can and will remove him from the range if necessary#attempt 6 he just does on instinct and hes like cmahn you cant count that one i didnt even mean to do it. did you see it tho it was rad#he is then told if he does it again he will be kicked out#youll never believe this but he does it again#the instructor tries to take the gun from him and he decides it is a really smart and good idea to back up into the main area#ie the area where not everything is made to be safe to shoot and there are light fixtures and people in there#and try to twirl the gun yet a fucking gain . which is the attempt where he shoots out a ceiling light#to be fair he is just a silly little guy
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🐎‼️
Tag list: @st-leclerc @rubywingsracing @saviour-of-lord @three-days-time @the-wall-is-my-goal @albonoooo @ch3rubd0lls @brawngp2009
#VAQUERO CHECO!!!!#the entire time I was drawing this I was thinking about my lestappen cowboy au I’ll never escape it fr#can’t believe I had a chestappen moment in that au before I even fucked with it#I just knew subconsciously…#ok I did actually try to do research and look into poncho patterns and their meanings for vaqueros#bc i remember as a child my friends dad had like. their grandfathers poncho and it was a whole thing???#and i remember he explained the pattern and what it meant to us???#and I couldn’t remember if that was like. just personal for that guy or if everyone’s pattern meant something#so I tried to look into it so I could make this one mean smth but I couldn’t find any reliable source??? just like Clint Eastwood movies#anyways. sorry for the flop with that if anyone is sitting here being like why this pattern#anyways shoutout to Mr Ortegon#was thinking of u while making this ‼️#f1#formula 1#f1blr#f1 fanart#formula one#f1 art#annie’s art#formulanni#formula one fanart#formula 1 fanart#sergio checo pérez#checo perez#sp11#cowboy art
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shiv's motivations for voting to pass the gojo deal are so layered and i don't think they should be dismissed in favour of any one interpretation. shiv desperately grabbed on to a lifeline for her relationship with tom. shiv was the deciding vote and she couldn't bear to hold the crown only for a moment just to place it atop her brother's head. shiv knew she would have more influence as wife of CEO rather than sister of CEO. shiv absolutely hated seeing kendall crystallize into logan before her eyes, especially when he made roman bleed ("and if we did kill him we get to go to bed") -- succession has always been about siblings so of course she tried to free her brothers before her child. shiv still thinks she can raise her child with all the material benefits of being the daughter of waystar CEO while doing better by her, whatever that means. and all of those things are true
#shiv roy#succession#succession spoilers#ok i'm sleeping#wait i know i just assumed tomshiv baby is a girl but like. i'm right#also i have seen many people say shiv did it purely out of spite and i will say#i don't think they would have had dialogue about shiv saying she's tired and they should all rest#or panned to shiv looking at roman's face fresh with blood#or shown shiv tearing up over her conversation with tom at the beginning of the episode#or had her say 'i cannot stomach you' which has pretty obvious connotations even in the context of succ#or had shiv make up her mind precisely when kendall said the andrew dodds confession was a lie#if her motives weren't meant to be read as ambiguous. they would not have put those things in there without reason#shiv leaving the room may have been impulsive spite but what came after was more complicated#it's also not even wholly altruistic it's just cold admittance that they don't have It. she thinks she does#and i'm not sure why the sentiment that they can't take it but she can surprises anyone#she's literally always seen herself as the exception
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#IM SO DRUNK @ THISTLE THISTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#a doodley#OK SLEEP NOW im giving myself a headache thinking abt him#thje glimpse we get of him in the opening is enough to make me want to jump out a window im not gonna make it.#alsofd this is making me think of when i posted my yearly redraws and someone in the tags put like#''how does it feel to have had every art style''#afn like literally. i just cant go full lineless/painting bc ilove lines too much but i can do Dis#too many ways to draw#anywhay i just talked abt how im not a fanart person bt i want to draw him so bad. i love him#he's my favorite character in the series#even more so now that its Done and Cohesive. it hurts so bad i understand him i do
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hi! I absolutely love your art and I get so happy when I see it come up on my feed! 🥰
if I can ask, why does cyra use a cane sometimes? I just saw your art where gale and cyra are with their newborn and cyra is walking with their toddler and she has a cane and I was curious.
have a good day! 😁💚
thank you so much!!!
i don't think i've said much about it other than 'she almost died' aksdhsh but everything went very wrong when the first one was born and she got sepsis, which can really fuck you up long term and she developed chronic fatigue.
she definitely tells the children that she's got a sword hidden inside it
#ramble#bg3#galemance#it's probably got bones or blood vessels carved into the side of it#aLSO uhhh question for mobility aid users bc i'm not a cane user right now but i'm considering getting one and i need to know if it's? ok??#it's not a pain or fatigue thing but i have really bad agoraphobia+vertigo and the only thing that helps is holding onto something?#example: i can't really walk my dog anymore bc it's that bad but i can get by a bit better when i'm holding his leash#anything that sort of connects me to the Ground otherwise i feel like i'm falling#but if i had to walk across a field by myself i would literally shut down#idk i'm not sure if it would help but even a placebo thing would be better rn#i would like to be able to touch grass without having a panic attack skdjhdshsd#i just don't want to like?? appropriate??? idk if that makes sense i'm just word salading right now
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this going to be a proper wordvomit but i've been thinking about a fucked up little dazai thing,, like what if you two were at the port mafia together when you were younger? orphaned and molded into a perfect little killing machine alongside with him and chuuya.
oh, but what's your ability? well, it's awfully similar to yosano's but it's.. more selfish. while she can also save and heal others, you can't. your ability only works on yourself - you're unkillable. even the smallest cuts fade on your skin, the remainders of everything you've gone through disappearing within hours. you still feel it though. the pain.
you just never fucking die.
tied up, tortured. beaten. cut. shot at. broken bones and bruises. you've seen them all, you've felt them all. but it shouldn't matter.
it shouldn't. this is who you are, right?
you've seen people die hundreds of times, wishing it were you instead. what is the point of this ability if you can never actually do anything useful with it? you're one of the best sharpshots at the port mafia and you know you're way around just about every melee weapon there is but you're still no real competition to the people with real powers. you're just another tool, another soldier. just a shell of a person, sent out mission after mission, no matter whether the fractured bones have already healed or not.
anger builds. shame builds.
something murky.
and it only gets worse after dazai leaves. he understood. he didn't ever say it, but he did. and now he's gone. he's left you behind; there's nobody to lick your wounds or to match your tone and darkness.
and then word gets around that there's someone with an ability similar to yours but better. more useful. and you just... lose it.
mori has no hold on you. he sees it in your eyes, so he doesn't stop you from leaving. you don't say goodbye to chuuya, only leaving him a fancy bottle of wine as a thank you for always having your back. and a note. something along the lines of seeking out your other half.
he's the only one who can do it.
you dream of him wrapping his bandaged hands around your neck and squeezing until you can feel tears dropping onto your face, until your vision blurs, until you can't breathe. until you can't come back anymore. of course, he wouldn't want to do it. he's killed more than anybody could count but with you, it's different. he's finally found something to live for and you haven't. he offers for you to come to the ada with him, he assures you that fukuzawa would listen to him but it doesn't matter.
you're smiling and he isn't. it isn't funny anymore. the gun pointed at kunikida isn't funny anymore. dazai won't do it unless you force him; you know it's going to be hard but you accept it as your one last mission. you will draw your one final breath at the hands of the man who's always been there for you. your friend. your partner.
the only one who should understand.
should.
but maybe he's not who you thought he was. maybe he truly has changed. maybe he really is a better man now. it doesn't matter. you'll break him one last time and let him live his new life. it's only fair.
#suuuper super random but idk it was just swimming around in my head for the entire day so i had to let it out#i'm not saying he'd actually do it#but idk i love this concept ok#i love when characters fucking hate their powers#they hate this one thing that's built into them#what makes them useful#like they'd just rather be dead than to use their fucking ability#but in this case you can't even escape it#you can't do it#ouuuuuuuuuuuughhh#dazai#mickey is daydreaming#dazai x reader#dazai drabble#tw sui implied#tw sui talk
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Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between
#to be or not to be. that is the question#ty adam for being my model for dramatic vampire moment#musings on the thinkings about:#when to live you are required to hurt others. you must repeatedly ask yourself what the value of your life is#To sleep... perchance to dream...#ah. THERES THE RUB.#ok I actually couldnt come up with too many thoughts. I had a lot more while I was drawing this but I guess I put them in the painting LOL#reading that soliloquy and being like damn this is just like vampires#the reality of course is that the soliloquy is a debate over suicide and ultimately making the choice to live#even if just out of fear of the unknown#and vampires are about dying and then in undeath choosing to continue to live#despite the fear of eternity and loneliness and hurting others#theyre not the same. but like let me thiiink come onnnn I'm allowed to thiiink and have incomplete thoughts#I would have to write like a proper essay about this to organize my thoughts. this is the tags on a tumblr post.#anyways finished episode 79#working on patreon stickers for this month (and next month soon)#and working on book 4. taking a pause from episodes cause I've got 3 weeks of buffer now... UGH#I'm so mad that they changed it. it would have been 5 weeks before but it's fine it's whatever#anyways yeah taking a break from episodes to make my book now!#its good stuff.#and this painting is good stuff#banger after banger from me tbh#this was a little relaxing giving myself a couple hours to muse#it's necessary for my health and I always forget that til I do a painting...#I loved doing the little landscape in the background too I should do that more! I love how plants are just like whatever shape you want#like you can make up any plant you want and not only does that plant PROBABLY exist somewhere#a weirder plant exists somewhere too. so. literally whatever you want#ok bye again for a few days while I get back to work
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i believe that to some extent Andre knows he's fucked up and this headcanon is one of the hills I will die on in the farewell tape, Cal says that “you can’t cure somebody who has nothing wrong with them.”
Andre, on the other hand, admits they might be seen as hypocrites. he's not gonna back out, he still thinks it's the right thing for him to do, but he seems to acknowledge that people will not perceive it the same way. he tries to explain that no matter what it’ll look like, it’s not murder for the sake of murder - not in his eyes at least. there's a (sick and twisted) lesson hidden in this tragedy.
to some extent, Andre is aware of what’s going on with him, what exactly shaped him into who he is now. he sees the cause and effect of being bullied, of feeling rejected and alienated, and not being able to do anything about it because that's just who he is. he can kick and scream and shout but he will never change who he is at his core and this realization is crushing for a 17/18-year-old. this and all the implications of a missing sense of belonging.
he knows he’s messed up. he knows what would fix him and he’s convinced it’s out of his reach. he looks at other students and he thinks: it’ll never be me. and he's angry that they have something he will never have.
his awareness doesn't help though. if anything, it fuels his frustration. what adults know to be a temporary problem (high school) seemed like an insurmountable obstacle, the end of everything.
#dont mind me im just thinking how so many high school problems seem like the end of the world#and then you grow up and you're like 'ok that was some insane shit and I didn't deserve most of it'#and then you process it and heal and go on with your life because the world is too wide for you to dwell on all that stuff#alternatively you're shocked that you really let yourself wallow in sadness over shit that now just makes you laugh and seems so trivial#my point is that if he had decided to drop the zd plans and then graduated and grown up he could have been happy#he could have made it but he didn't give himself a chance#high school is not where your world ends#in fact it's barely even a beginning its a fucking prologue#and when people are so down that they can't grasp it - this is what leads to tragedies#zero day#zero day 2003#andre kriegman#cal gabriel
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